Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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