I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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