i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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