if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
