Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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