if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
