Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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