When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
