We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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