Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
