You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
