I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
