The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
