i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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