Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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