Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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