I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
