cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
