it hurts more in the daytime
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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