Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just want nice things and good sex
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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