someone get that fucking seahorse.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
