Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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