i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
