I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
