Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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