Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
