last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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