i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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