I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
