apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
