I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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