I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
