It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
