Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize