I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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