Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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