I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
