You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
