Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
