no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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