i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
