thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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