I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
