Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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