dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
