You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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