Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
