I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
