I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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