I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
