Come see our sink grown plant.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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