dude i'm inner monologue high
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
