i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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