I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
