Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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