There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize