Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
