just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
