My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
