I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
