Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize