woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
