OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
