Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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