My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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