dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
