you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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