Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
