can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
