When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i think i just lost a toe
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
