oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize