i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
