i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Pants are for mortals
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
