this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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